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- Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
- How do you organize a space party? You planet.
- Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field!
- Did you hear about the kidnapping at the playground? They woke up.
- I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
- Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
- What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
- How does a train eat? It goes chew chew!
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
- What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!
- Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
- What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
- Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
- Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up.
- I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
- How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it!
- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
- What do you call a group of musical whales? An orca-stra.
- Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
- What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
- Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in-tents.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a dog? Frostbite.
- I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
- Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
- How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
- Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
- I would avoid sushi if I were you. It’s a bit fishy.
- I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson. He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I replied, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
- I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.
- My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went out and had a few drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
- Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay… for the 22nd time.
- Why did the scarecrow take up acting? He was really good at corny roles.
- I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.
- What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
- Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
- What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener!
- Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
- What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
- How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it.
- What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
- I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
- What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
- Why did the scarecrow become a musician? Because he had great hay-rmony.
- I told my wife I was going to make a car out of spaghetti. She didn’t believe me until I drove pasta.
- What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!
- Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.
- I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
- What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A python.
- Why did the chicken go to the library? To check out a book, book, book!
- What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!
- Why do chicken coops have only two doors? Because if they had four, they’d be chicken sedans!
- What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
- How do you turn soup into gold? Add 24 carrots!
- What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room in the house? The living room.
- Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker? Because he was always outstanding in his field.
- What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer!
- Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re really good at it.
- What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
- Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen? So they don’t peel.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
- How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
- I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know why.
- What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
- Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize? Because he was always outstanding in his field.
- Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
- Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
- What do you call a snobbish criminal going downstairs? A condescending con descending.
- Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus!
- Why did the math book look sad? Because it had too many problems.
- How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut!
- What do you call a computer that sings? A-dell.
- What do you call a pile of cats? A meowtain!
- Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.
- Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They might crack up.
- Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
- What do you call a group of musical whales? An orca-stra.
- Why do we never tell secrets on a farm? Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears.
